Learning to Be Assertive Without Becoming Aggressive

Some people are naturally assertive, but even those who do not have it flowing through their veins can develop this skill.
In recent decades there has been a strong focus on self fulfillment, and assertiveness is the way to achieve it.

Many times when we feel that our needs or rights are being hurt, a sense of threat appears.
The aim is to handle such situations without hurting others and without giving up on ourselves. Assertiveness is the balance that allows us to express our feelings and needs, be who we want to be and achieve our goals, but without anger or harming others.
It could be with a partner about how we will spend a vacation, with a boss when asking for a raise, or during a negotiation when someone asks for a favor that does not work for us.

With assertiveness we do not give up on ourselves and we also do not make the other side feel bad. The golden path lies between low assertiveness, which is giving in, and excessive assertiveness, which becomes aggression.
Giving in carries a heavy emotional price and increases burnout at home or at work.
Those who choose aggression may get what they want in the moment but pay a heavy price in their relationships.

Studies show that leaders with too little or too much assertiveness are seen as ineffective. Assertiveness is like salt.
When there is too little or too much, it covers everything else, but when it is balanced, it allows other positive qualities to stand out.
Research also shows that most of us misjudge our own assertiveness.

People often think they were assertive when others saw them as passive, or think they were assertive when others experienced them as aggressive.
Another study found that teenagers who received assertiveness training were less depressed.
This is not surprising. Lack of assertiveness is often tied to low self worth.
People see the rights of others as more important than their own, so they put others first.

An assertive person says that their feelings matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Most people feel more comfortable with someone who clearly communicates their thoughts and feelings because there is no need to guess.
But gender plays a role.
A woman who acts assertively is often judged more harshly than a man.

A woman who promotes herself or negotiates for a higher salary may be liked less and seen as demanding, while men do not face the same reaction.
Women often come with fewer demands but can be very assertive when it comes to the rights of someone else, and especially their children.
Assertiveness is also essential in negotiation. In the past people believed that aggressive behavior was the way to achieve goals, but research shifted the focus from aggression to assertiveness.

The correct approach is to present things firmly but in a pleasant and respectful way that keeps the other person’s dignity.
In negotiation both sides should feel understood.
The idea is not to create fear but to open a dialogue.
It is possible to reach solutions where both sides win.

Learning assertive behavior includes calming the limbic system, understanding that the situation may be unpleasant but not dangerous, and responding with clear, respectful communication.
It includes body language, calm tone, stable posture, facial expressions that show confidence and speaking directly without apologizing or shrinking into a victim role.

Eye contact helps keep cooperation alive even when the other person does not get everything they want.
Another important part is asking questions instead of making immediate firm statements.
A question opens a conversation rather than a confrontation.
Listening is essential. When we listen more, we understand the needs, motivations and fears of the other side, and it becomes easier to persuade them.

Listening gives the other person a sense that their feelings matter, and that prepares the ground for expressing our own needs.
At home assertiveness becomes even more challenging.
Parents often struggle to hold clear boundaries for their children.
Assertive parenting means warmth, empathy and sensitivity, but also clarity and leadership.
It is not aggression.
It is confidence and understanding that the parent is the guide.

Children need boundaries.
When parents are not assertive the child feels a psychological gap because they need a leader.
A child who senses that the parent surrenders to them may later feel that they have no one strong to rely on.
Parents can learn assertiveness even if it does not come naturally.
Sometimes it begins with pretending until it becomes real.

At first the child may test it, and the situation may get worse before it gets better.
But if the parent remains consistent, the child eventually accepts the authority.
Like any personal trait, assertiveness can be practiced.
Awareness, effort and the desire to grow help parents develop it.